Why Rappers Don't Need Press Conferences Thanks To Maybach Music Group

So I’ve had a week to think about the Maybach Music Group press conference that ended up being one big tantric sex orgy with words. I’m still trying to figure out the purpose of it rather than just tweeting or sending a press release to announce a bunch of things nobody really cares about. How many of you actually remember what the press conference was about? Show of hands.

I’ll wait…

Yeah, I don’t really know either. What I do know is that it was a massive waste of time for everyone involved. Sorry Elliot Wilson, you could have been plotting and scheming on your next Respect cover or Blackout in 300 characters or less on RapRadar. Lyor Cohen, I still don’t know why you can’t get through three sentences without a curse word. However, I was thoroughly entertained by you saying that the streets are Rick Ross’ office. That was clever. But considering that Rick Ross isn’t really a street type of guy, I’d suggest that the parole office is more like his actual office. You know, the one where he hangs up his pictures of the friends that actually go to jail and stuff.

Sorry Rick, it will never get old no matter how much better you get as an artist. I’m still in disbelief that everyone has forgiven you for that boldfaced lie. You won though and I’m not all that mad. I’m sure Bo$$ is somewhere thinking “Why couldn’t everyone act like that when I got my skirt pulled up?” Sucks for her. But I digress…

That whole “Rick Ross’ office is the streets” line was mind blowing. Part of me wants to hi-five Mr. Cohen for the clever line, the other half wants me to ask him what he thinks Jay-Z’s office is, the moon? Lyor Cohen taking time out of his busy schedule of whatever it is he does all day to attend a Rick Ross verbal fellatio session was pretty strange. But, he’s Lyor Cohen and his job is to pump up every rapper that he thinks is worth a damn.

Diddy, on the other hand, I don’t know what kind of Rozay Xtacy he was on, but everything he said blew my mind. Talking about erections in the presence of a bunch of tough guys in sunglasses is a no-no.  Then, Puff Diddy Swag or whatever the f*ck he feels like calling himself these days had the nerve to say that Rick Ross revolutionized the mixtape. Geeze Puff, you can un-cuff the bearded balls of Rick Ross whenever you feel like it. I honestly cannot remember a Rick Ross mixtape that blew my mind and “revolutionized” the game. You see, there was this guy named Drake, you may have heard of him, he dropped a mixtape called “So Far Gone” that kind of changed the game a little bit. I mean, what about Kendrick Lamar or Wiz Khalifa or Fabolous or…wait…what the hell constitutes a mixtape these days? Nobody is mixing. Bah, never mind. All I know is that Rick Ross didn’t revolutionize anything but shiny, well kept beards.

That isn’t the only thing Diddy went out of his way to say. Sean Combs had the audacity to say Rick Ross was a social media maven. Okay, so last time I checked, Rick Ross doesn’t really do a whole lot on Twitter. He doesn’t really talk to anybody and spends more time promoting his MMG fam than anything else. Diddy’s standards are really low. But if you’re trying to get Rick Ross in bed, you’ll say anything. Honestly, I know groupies that wouldn’t pole jock the Bawse like Diddy did. It made me feel really uncomfortable to watch online. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be there.

Swizz Beatz didn’t do so bad. I laughed out loud when he said that Rick Ross was a fan of Basquiat. I laughed even harder when he said Rick Ross was a painter. You know who else is a painter? My 6-year-old nephew. Just because you say you’re painting doesn’t make you a painter. We all know Swizz Beatz appreciates art, but until Rick Ross pulls an Andy Warhol out of his beard and explains the cultural relevancy of it I’ll just say he’s a painter like chicks with Instagram say that they’re models. Sounds good? Great!

Watching Rick Ross speak is an exercise in trying to figure out whether or not he has anything important to say. He speaks in rap clichés and uses words like “movement” way too much. I’d rather just hear him grunt and repeat Drake’s “B*tch you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym” line.

By the way, where is Teedra Moses?