The Tens: 10 Classic Hood Movie Remakes That Should NEVER Happen
With the announcement that Soulja Boy would reprise the role of Bishop originally played by Tupac Shakur in a remake of “Juice,” a collective groan swept through the hip-hop community (well, everyone except Soulja Boy fans…we think). Since Hollywood has been in this terribly lazy mood where they have to remake (and subsequently ruin) every decent movie from the 80s, it’s only a matter of time before they start eyeballing the hood flicks we enjoyed. Soulja Boy likely got the ball rolling so why not start contemplating which films are due to get pooped on by Hollywood? These are supposedly jokes. $100 says that someone reads this and says “That’s a good idea.”
1) Set It Off
Starring Nicki Minaj as Cleopatra “Cleo” Sims, Alicia Keys as Tisean “T.T.” Williams, Beyonce Knowles as Lita “Stoney” Newsome & Rihanna Fenty as Francesca “Frankie” Sutton
Why: It would only make sense to botch this high powered bank heist film that featured Jada Pinkett, Queen Latifah, Vivica A. Fox and Kimberly Elise by replacing them with the most popular female singers and rappers today. Just imagine Beyonce’s wretched acting, Nicki Minaj’s facial expressions, Rihanna’s nothingness and Alicia Keys frolicking around in the remake? Yuck.
2) Boyz N The Hood
Starring Drake as Tre Styles, Lil Wayne as Doughboy, Lance Gross as Ricky and Tyler Perry as Furious Styles (and Madea as Reva Devereaux-Styles)
Why: John Singleton’s classic flick about growing up in South Central (where bustin’ a cap is fundamental) is well overdue for a remake by Hollywood standards. So it only makes sense that they snatch up two of the hottest rappers in the game to play Tre and Doughboy. Lance Gross as Ricky makes sense to us. We originally had Samuel L. Jackson cast in the role of Furious Styles, but then we realized that we’re trying to ruin the movie. So we opted for Tyler Perry as Furious and Madea is Tre’s mother Reva. Much better.
3) 8 Mile
Starring Justin Bieber As James “B-Rabbit” Smith
Why: Like you couldn’t actually see this one happening…
4) New Jack City
Starring Nick Cannon as Nino Brown, Chris Brown as Gerald “Gee Money” Wells, Ice-T reprising his role as Scotty Appleton and Tyler The Creator As Pookie
Why: How quickly would you throw your remote at the television if you saw Nick Cannon as the lead in a “New Jack City” remake? Yeah, we thought so. Chris Brown and Nick Cannon doing the “Am I My Brother’s Keeper” scene would be hilarious. Odd Future’s Tyler, The Creator would make a damn good Pookie. We couldn’t think of anyone else to play Scotty Appleton, so we just brought Ice-T’s old ass back. What about Rick Ross you ask? We saved him for later.
Starring Gucci Mane as Sincere & Waka Flocka Flame as Tommy
Why: A 2011 version of “Belly” must star two rappers we are sure can’t act. *stares at above picture* Yup. Just imagine Gucci Mane telling his wife that he’s moving to Africa? Can you see it? Wretched!
6) House Party
Starring Bow Wow as Kid and Soulja Boy as Play
Why: We know, this one almost makes too much sense. But must we remind you that “House Party” had dancing in it? Now look at the new Kid N Play again. We thought so.
7) Above The Rim
Starring Ne-Yo as Kyle, R. Kelly as Shep, Young Jeezy as Birdie and Lil B as Bugaloo
Why: Anybody reprising a Tupac role is destined for failure. That doesn’t mean that Hollywood wouldn’t try. Some cornball would cast Jeezy as Birdie and Ne-Yo’s non-ballplayin’ ass as Kyle. Need a popular old guy to play basketball with himself? Get Robert Sylvester Kelly! Need someone to play a spaced out crackhead? Lil B makes sense to us.
8 ) Poetic Justice
Starring B.o.B. as Lucky & Amber Rose as Justice
Why: Let’s not front and act like Janet Jackson could act. They would just get a pretty face to fill that role. Picture Amber Rose telling B.o.B. to smell her punany. It’s almost laughable to think of Bobby Ray in a Tupac role, but some clown casting director would think that B.o.B. is the perfect fit. Ugh.
9) Menace II Society
Starring The Game as O-Dog and Kanye West as Caine
Why: Well, Kanye West could slide into the terribly acted role of Caine. We’d die to see him carjack ol’ boy in the 5.0 on gold daytons. We almost put Jim Jones in the role of O-Dog but then we remembered how awfully awful The Game was in Belly 2.
10) Who’s The Man
Starring Rick Ross as Doctor Dre & Wiz Khalifa as Ed Lover
Why: Do we really need to say why Rick Ross should comfortably slide into this role? Picturing Wiz Khalifa doing the Ed Lover dance just cracks us up.