Life, Love & Sinn: Easing Into The Backdoor & Not Ready To Be A Baby Daddy

Introducing Anal Sex

Q: Okay, I love anal sex and I was wondering if there are ways I could bring that into the bedroom with me and my girl? if so let me know some please! Thanks bunches ma

-J. Richardson

A: Hi J!

As a woman that once had a boyfriend break up with her because I wouldn’t give up the butt, only to find that later I absolutely love anal sex, I can appreciate both your desire and your partner’s hesitation over back door play. For most women, there are three major factors that scare and concern us when it comes down to anal sex play; mess, pain and respect. If you have already breached the subject of anal sex play and have been shot down, I suggest you bring up the conversation again when you are NOT in the midst of being intimate so that she doesn’t feel as if she is being pressured into something she isn’t ready for. Find out what her concerns are first so you can address those issues. For many of us who grew up believing that sex was to be missionary and even oral sex was something that only “those kinds of girls” partake in, anal sex with someone that you are only in a casual dating situation might be a bit much to explore. If she is concerned that you may not view her as a long term partner if she “allows” you to have anal sex with her, you should quell her fears and reassure her that your relationship stands strong with or without this addition, but also explain why you enjoy it and why you are interested in doing this with her.

If cleanliness is the concern for your girlfriend, be sure to discuss possibilities for eliminating unsanitary conditions. One of the best ways to do this is for your girlfriend to perform an enema using lukewarm water only a couple of hours prior to engaging in anal play. If she purchases a disposible enema from the drug store, she should empty the saline contents and fill the bottle with warm water so as not to dry out the anal cavity during penetration. She should take her time, refilling the bottle as often as necessary to ensure that as much matter exits her lower colon as possible until the water runs clear. This will eliminate the likelihood of having “dirty” anal sex play with your partner.

To make anal sex an enjoyable experience for your partner, proper lubrication and comfortable positioning will go a long way. I have found that silicone lubricants work far better as they don’t dry out as fast and require reapplication the way their water based counterparts do. Water based lubes will get sticky as you apply more over time. As much as you may want to start off with your girlfriend in Doggie-Style, this isn’t always the most comfortable position for anal sex. Positions that give your girlfriend the ability to control speed, force and depth of penetration at her own comfort level will go a long way towards making this an enjoyable experience. Having her lie on her back in missionary will allow her to see your penis entering her as well give her the ability to have clitoral stimulation throughout. You will also be able to kiss and caress her along with looking into her eyes for reassurance… something many women like when trying something new with their partner. Another favorite position for trying anal sex for the first time is Woman-On-Top or Cowgirl for many of the same reasons. Patience with your woman will garner a better response that trying to force entry when she’s afraid.

In the event that you are too large for entry in the beginning, you will want to try shopping for anal sex toys or butt plugs with your partner that will help her open up and become accustomed to the idea of having something back there. Mixing vaginal or clitoral stimulation with anal play will certainly help her get used to the idea that anal sex doesn’t have to be a painful undertaking but rather something that can be enjoyed by both of you!

Unwanted Pregnancy & Father’s Rights

Q: I read you recent Love, Life & Sinn today and wanted to submit a question for you to answer on your next go-around. I was mainly having sexual relations with a woman and all the times we did it I wore a condom until this one time. I was drunk one night and with her and we started [having sex] unprotected. Her being sober never stopped me to urge wearing a condom, but I knowingly stopped myself from ejaculating inside of her. Nevertheless she came up pregnant. When we discussed the next move I said first that I was not in a stable financial situation to bring a life into this world, that other than the sex we had and few times hanging out that I had no idea who she was more than what was on paper, and that it wouldn’t make sense to give birth to a child as a means of trying to see if what we’re doing can be more than just a physical thing. She took my word and the next day decided on her own that she wanted to have a child.

I know it’s a woman’s body but what right does a man have in making the choice of whether or not he too wants to bring a life into this world?

A: I am grateful for your honesty in your email regarding your irresponsibility with your sexual & reproductive health and empathize with you regarding this difficult situation. First, let me say that I believe you should consult an attorney regarding your legal rights as a father in an unwanted pregnancy.

Second, I have to say that when you take off a condom, or fail to put one on, you become responsible for your actions. Being unsure of your age but assuming you are an adult, you should know from high school health class that the “pull-out method,” is not a fool proof one in terms of preventing pregnancy. That said, since your sex partner did get pregnant and is insisting on maintaining the pregnancy, you should consider a paternity test to insure paternity first and foremost. Next, determine if you want to (or are able to) emotionally absolve your personal relationship to the child once he or she is born knowing that this is your child out there in the world. If you do chose to not be involved in the child’s life based on your desire to not have a child at this time, contacting an attorney that specializes in father’s rights or men’s reproductive rights could prove to be costly, but would garner you the information you need. If you feel you can not merely walk away just because you made a mistake, then you should take this time to get to know the potential soon to be mother of your child, “off paper.” Having a child with someone doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with them, but is certainly a commitment that will tie you to that person forever.

In the meantime, you should consider always having protected intercourse with anyone you do not consider a potential co-parent so as not to experience this again anytime soon.

You can email Sinnamon Love your questions to AskSinnamon@gmail.com