The Tens: 10 Reasons For Soulja Boy’s 1st Week Sales Fail

Okay, now that we are done laughing at Soulja Boy‘s paltry 13k sold in the first week of release for The DeAndre Way, we had to take a step back and try to help Soulja Boy figure out what went wrong. It truly is a headscratcher (not really) as we try to find reasons why a more talented rapper with far less promotion (Curren$y) had a better 1st week. 13,000 albums sold? That’s insane when you consider that SB has 2.5 million Twitter followers. He couldn’t get them to follow him to the record store? Sheesh. Well DeAndre, the good folks at TheWellVersed have come up with ten reasons why your 1st week sales were a first week fail.

1) The XXL Cover

Soulja Boy’s fans are a bunch of screaming teenage girls. But this cover makes it look like Soulja is taken by 50 Cent a mystery man with a t-shirt wrapped around his head as to not give away his identity. Needless to say, the teens were turned off. Their man had been claimed by a rapping Taliban member who is was looking to spark his career by being attached to you. Expect a diss record break up letter coming your way soon buddy.

2) Twitter

Maybe if Soulja Boy spent less time tweeting and more time failing at making music, he may have accidentally created another hit like “Crank Dat.” The more time he spends in the studio, the more chances he has. It’s like playing the music industry lottery but Soulja Boy didn’t put enough tickets in. Thanks Twitter!

3) Cocaine

We’re not sure if Soulja Boy was riding the white horse before Kat Stacks attempted to out him, but it certainly did something to his career. Maybe the nose candy made him all hyper and helped his lack of creativity. So when he got called out, he promptly quit and lost his mojo. Or maybe parents did the right thing and decided not to buy their kids a CD from someone who enjoys the blow. Or maybe he never sniffed the snow a day in his life and his music just sucks. You decide.

4) Kanye West & Nicki Minaj

So this bullsh*t theory goes a little something like this: Kanye and Nicki‘s albums drained all of the money from the bank accounts of parents so they could no longer afford to buy Soulja Boy’s album for their brain dead children. That’s assuming that these parents only had $25 to begin with and their kids had even asked for a Soulja Boy CD.

5) Nobody Knew It Was Coming Out

So bullsh*t theory #2 goes something like this: Everyone was so caught up with Wikileaks, Obama‘s compromise and other important things happening in the world that they totally forgot Soulja Boy was releasing an album. That or they just didn’t care. We’ll let you choose.

6) The Curse Of Yung Berg’s Chain

Wearing Yung Berg’s cursed Autobot chain brings about a hex that is stuffed with endless amount of bad luck as long as you continue to think you can rap. Ask Berg how many albums he has sold since “Sexy Lady” came out. Exactly.

7) Kat Stacks

You didn’t know that one of the kabazillion STDs Kat Stacks has in her arsenal is called “albumsalesfail?” Man, we thought you knew.

8 ) Bow Wow Doesn’t Love Him No More

Remember when these two were like Laurel & Hardy Abbott & Costello Barbie & Ken some kind of duo that consists of skinny tattooed kids who sag ridiculously and make bad music? Then they squabbled like some girls over something we can’t remember and people were compelled to choose sides. Bow Wow has more invested in the teeny boppers than Soulja Boy does so he won.

9) Waka Flocka & Antoine Dodson Stole The “Dummy Rap” Title

We used to think that Soulja Boy was the king of dummy raps, but then came Waka Flocka with a decidedly worse name than Soulja Boy and his “Bow Bow Bow” craptastic raps. Shortly after, Antoine Dodson‘s “They Rapin’ E’rybody” made him the king of the internets and iTunes. Where did that leave Soulja Boy? Pissed off that he isn’t the worst rapper with a wretched name and a ridiculous online presence.

10) Because We Told You So

I mean, we did (See #10 on that list). And guess who was right? That’s right! We were. We don’t like to take solace in other people’s misery, but considering that Soulja Boy shouldn’t be here anyway, we don’t care.